The Mean Girls of Congress

Hannah Barahona, Staff Writer 

The tension felt in the United States government these past four years has risen to an all time high. I swear we have seen Nancy Pelosi develop an eye twitch, Trump told Ted Cruz to grow out a beard so they “don’t match anymore”, and Cory Booker has yet to blink. This is why the American public is petitioning to rename Congress to Cafeteria. Why? America’s heart has been captured by renowned actress, director, and comedian Tina Fey. Since her release of Mean Girls in 2004, many have revolved and even adapted their lives to fit Fey’s well known characters and aesthetics. Let’s take a look: 

Mitch McConnell:

Ever see a picture of Donald Trump? Next time you do, I urge you to zoom in and in the background you’ll be able to see someone wearing a “LOL you’re not Donald Trump” t-shirt, a poster saying “I *heart* Donald Trump”, and watery-excited eyes. That’s Mitch McConnell. He’s totally rich because he was a plaintiff in the Citizens United Case that has led to the creation of Super PACs, which totally love him. Also, he bailed them out of their taxes! Mitch McConnell always knows the Senate’s business. That’s why his eyes are so watery, they’re full of secrets.

Nancy Pelosi: 

The Cafeteria rebel? Oh! That's just cool Aunt Nancy. She has been dominating Congress and slapping “Kick me” post-it notes on the backs of Republicans since the late 80s! How do I even begin to describe Nancy Pelosi? She has shaken up Congress multiple times. She was the first female Speaker of the House and treats passing legislation like an underground mobster poker game. She can sniff out dissenting Democratic votes from a mile away and threatens to not let them sit with her. I hear her gavel is insured in case she goes rogue one day. But, I am going to stop there...I’m talking too much. 

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (AOC): 

Don’t even get me started on AOC. Word is that her initials ranked higher in popularity amongst American preschools than the ABCs. Word on the street is that she beat her district’s incumbent all while bartending! According to “Feel the Bern” Sanders, she wants to move to 100% renewable energy, free college, and Medicare for all. Trump doesn’t like her, apparently she is taking away your hamburgers. Anyways, she thinks she’s quirky because she ran as a Democratic-socialist; so, niche! You’ll probably see her in the halls of Congress making Mark Zuckerberg cry or even challenging Republicans to a Breakfast Club style dance battle during recess. 

Donald Trump: 

Evil takes human form in Donald Trump. Don’t be fooled, good ol’ Donald may look like an over-tanned, Tik-tok hating, paper napkin-throwing, Republican president. But, he is so much more than that. He is queen bee. His administration just acts as his little workers bees. Someone wrote on the Congress bathroom stall that he ran misleading campaign ads on Facebook with the help of Russia. He has many hotels, casinos, and golf courses--some of them declaring bankruptcy Michael Scott style. One time he met Kim Jong Un and he called his country’s government “pretty”. Another time a bunch of teenagers trolled him at his campaign rally and he spent like 6 months trying to get Tik Tok banned. Don’t get me started on him totally bringing back World Wars, so retro! 

We are so excited to see what Cafeteria has to offer and face in this upcoming election. From what I see, we may be expecting daily food fights. For all we know, a new member may come and shake things up as our fellow Mean Girl, AOC has done before. So as we begin to paint the Capitol steps pink and bejewel Nancy Pelosi’s gavel, we recognize the sanctity of our presiding Cafeteria. The Cafeteria cooks our laws, serves their people, and most importantly, wears pink on Wednesdays.