GOP Voter Suppression Campaign Gives Likely Democratic Voters Comfortable Jobs

Tim Etter, Staff Writer

As the 2020 election approaches, state governments controlled by the Republican Party have implemented a new tactic to depress Democratic voter turnout: comfortably employing their most loyal voters. These diehard Democrats, now distracted by the comfort of their new jobs, have fallen into a hypnotic complacency so deep that they don’t have the ability to advocate for an election day holiday so they can vote in person or even cast an absentee ballot.  

“I’m so happy at my new job as a gardener.” said Biden supporter Brenda Williams jubilantly, watering a pair of sunflowers. “The state government hooked me up with this gig, and I just love tending to these plants. It places me in perfect harmony with nature, and I’m even making a living while doing it. I just feel like there’s one thing I’m forgetting…something important...nah, I can’t put my finger on it right now.” Williams was later seen spreading fertilizer so a row of tulips could eventually grow.  

“Man, life has gotten a lot better in these last few days” said Democratic Party Delegate John Stevens as he taste-tested the newest batch of chocolate in the chocolate factory. “The life of a chocolate tester is superb! All I have to do is sit back and relax as wave after wave of delicious freshly produced chocolate invades my taste buds, and I get paid! I mean, there is the worry about my health in this new job, sure, but I can’t think of any other existential threats to my well being...except...no...never mind, I don’t know what I was thinking. On with the chocolate!” Stevens was later seen adding a caramel drizzle to the chocolate he was testing. 

“I gotta tell ya, these kittens are as cute as a button” said Joe Biden, former presidential candidate and newly appointed kitten petter at the local animal shelter in his home state of Delaware. “I have the cutest names for you all. I’ll name you Barack, I’ll name you Hillary, and I’ll name you Ruth! I haven’t the faintest idea where those names came from. I’m just the kitten petter here at the Wilmington Animal Shelter. What I can tell you is that dogs are a bunch of malarkey!” he emphatically shouted, his eyes wide open “Wait...malarkey...that word...it brings up a lot of memories...Trump, the election, coronavirus...Oh my god! Someone should do something about those things! Not me though, I’m just a kitten petter.” Biden was later seen tickling the belly of one kitten, laughing to himself. 

At press time, chairman of the Democratic Party Tom Perez was seen devising plans on how to implement these strategies in primary contests.