My Dear Democratic Diary
Hannah Barahona, Staff Writer
Dear Diary,
As I lay here in my LuluLemon tracksuit, pondering today’s activities, I truly wonder how my bestie got through eight years of all this humbug. This FBI agent in my laptop is always monitoring me, so I’m using this vintage Lisa Frank notebook that Donald left behind. I am pretty sure it was his daily briefing notebook because the only things written on here were: (1) Yell you're fired once a month, (2) Hair appointment, and (3) How to win an election. I wish you could see his search history! Now that’s a national security problem--who gave him access to the internet.
Biden drops his pen. As he turns his head up he sees wads of gum under his desk in the Oval office.
Ew! I just touched gum! Really Donald?! On the bottom of JFK’s desk...how can I get this man to stay away from national monuments. Can we also talk about Teddy’s mullet?! A riot was happening at the capitol, but Ted Cruz’s hair stylist chose violence with that mullet.
Anyways, I don’t understand why so many people are saying I am doing a bad job, I literally binged watched all of “West Wing” last night. I honestly don’t know how that man managed to be president, ha, couldn’t be me...oh wait.
Trump left me a letter as you know, diary. Verbatim, the letter said, “Boo, Poo-Poo face. P.S. I left some food on the counter for Mitch. He takes one vitamin a day and he likes belly rubs.” Well, at least we know that Mitch is in the worst shape that I am.
Anyway...Kamala is so annoying! She’s always quoting her favorite debate moments. There are only so many times that I can take “Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking--I’m speaking.” Kamala we are in a McDonald’s drive-thru! Jeez, I’d rather have Maya Rudolph as VP. Don’t get me started on “We did it Joe.” At this point, I simply don’t want to do it anymore. And her exercising at the Capitol steps…what a complete show off!
OMG, Justin Trudeau is texting me (what a dreamboat), let me text him back:
Sounds cool bro, brb, u kool wit new prez?
Ugh, Kamala texted me, apparently I have to do this other president thing. This president thing is hard, thanks Obama.
Love,
JoJo (aka this is Joe Biden)
—
Dear Diary,
OMG! I found this Lisa Frank notebook in the bathroom, and this is some juicy stuff! Anyways, Joe really thinks he is slick with this diary, next time don’t write while on the toilet. Now, let me tell you the real tea about being VP, I am a #Girlboss, and I am killing it! Forreal, tell my assistant Trevor:
Kamala yells out the bathroom door for Trevor. “TREVOR! Am I a girl boss?” Trevor tiredly responds, “Yes, Madam Vice President Harris.”
He loves me--it may be because I hold the fate of his entire college career in my hands, but deep inside, you know he loves me. I am being told right now that apparently, Nancy Pelosi is cyberbullying Donald Trump through her….old MySpace profile? Jeez, Donnie, you really shouldn’t mess with Twitter trolls and 13 year old Tik Tokers, they will RUIN you. Speaking of Justin Trudeau, he is really angry that Jon Ossoff is taking his shine.. Are you serious? Looking at my agenda here, I am needed at the press room to give my opinion concerning the Senate debate on sanctions against the rioters caused by the former president. Oh, and apparently Marjorie Taylor Greene is requesting that we give tinfoil hats to those vaccinated and begin to name infants born after the founding fathers. I really don’t know, but I smell a crazy cat lady.
This whole place is a mess to be honest. When I walked into my Vice-Presidential office, it was just a creepy white room with padding and a USB charger port. I don’t know what kinda freaky stuff Mike Pence was doing in here, but the biggest travesty was that the charger wire was for an Android! And people think I’m bad. Well, with being America’s new fun aunt and all, I am always super duper busy!
Peace out,
Kamala “The Bomb” Harris
(P.S. GOP Senators, please don't read into this nickname.)